On weariness.

This quarter has really challenged me in school. Many of the classes that I am taking include discussions around heavy issues like abortion, homelessness, racial discrimination, white privilege, homosexuality and Christian Doctrine which is a hefty subject in its own right and brings to light what the implications of being a Christian are for the former. Most days I'm okay. I really do like entering into those conversations and I think they're important ones to have but at the end of most days, my heart feels burdened with deep anguish. Anguish for all of those who have been hurt by racial discrimination or for the ways I've hurt others who would describe themselves as openly homosexual, without meaning to. Anguish for anyone who has ever had to undergo an abortion, even if willingly, for the pain it causes them mentally and spiritually and for the pain it causes their unborn child.

Anguish for all those who have been hurt by the Christian faith while we (or perhaps I should say, I) were stuck in our own little worlds too comfortable to step into your distress, into your confusion or into your story when all you wanted was a listening ear to hear and a little love to be known.

Now don't get me wrong, I am doing okay. As I shared in my last post, when people ask me how I'm doing, I often don't know how to answer straight away but I am, I'm good.

Mentally and physically, but sometimes I can't help but feel tired, a tiredness that in many ways, I feel is spiritual. As if God is pressing on me the way he feels about all of these things. And sometimes, I don't understand it.

Yet, here I am. I don't know why it is that I often feel this way but I believe the Lord did it on purpose and that He is stirring things up. So, I will choose to rest in the sorrow, while learning to renounce it all and give it back to Him who is worthy and Holy and Good.

Do you identify with this in any way?

I'd love to hear about it.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:28-31

How are you doing?

You know, lately, I've been feeling really good about things. People ask me all the time, "How are you doing?" and my response is always, "um...good." But really, I am. I am doing well. I guess I just don't stop to think about it very often and I need to be doing a better job of that but I really have no reason to complain. I have all my girls here with me and minus a few colds, they are healthy. I am finding that as people start to get settled into their roles with a new year here at SPU, my friends and I are learning to make time for each other, which is wonderful cause time with them is life-giving and though there is always so much to do with school, (when isn't there?) I'm feeling optimistic. Time will find its way and things are going to get done, one way or another. Maybe that's a bad view but right now, i'm gonna roll with it.

So yeah, i'm "um...good" and I like it.

Things are going to be different and that's okay.

Already, this year is looking so different to me from what I expected or wanted it to look like and I have times where it really gets me down and honestly, sometimes I wonder why that is, what I could be doing differently or even if I should be worrying. But then, when I spend time really getting into my classes (I'm taking some pretty cool ones) and deeper into knowledge on Christian Doctrine and Reconciliation, those emotions fall away. God whispers to me that it's going to be okay, that I am His daughter and that His plans for me are now, right this moment, even as I study and learn more about Him. That's he's got me in His arms and that it's not the end of the world if things are different. And you know what? That's all I need. Thank you Lord for Your comfort, for the way You made me and for my story, that even now, You are working in. May my heart and soul be ever after You.