restless

Oh God, my God. Please come near. God of Jacob, God of my parents and family, please draw near.

God, I need to know that you hold me and cherish me and call me yours, even now.

God my mind, it envelopes me and it overwhelms. God, good and faithful God, it's 2 am on Sunday, the Sunday where we await your resurrection anxiously but I can't help but think of everything but you, God. 

Instead my mind wages wars against me and I cannot move what I believe to be true about you into my heart.

God, my God, please draw near and lend your listening ear.

God, the words of Paul come to mind. Please take them as an offering:

" I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me." (Romans 7:15-23 NIV)

Lord, please forgive me. Lord please take me, shape me and redeem me.

In your name.

disposables // #4

More disposables. Yey, yei, yay!!!

a lenten prayer of repentance.

The other day I had the honor of sharing a prayer at our school's lenten chapel service on the sins that the church has committed against african americans and people of color.

I felt so privileged to speak but also so scared because it's not often that I speak up in this way, let alone around a topic so hard as the racial injustice that exists in our society and country because it's a topic that as a person of color, I feel is so personal and goes so much deeper than a prayer could ever say.

Yet, I'm sharing this because the other day Intercessors 4 Justice asked if they could share it, so perhaps someone else needs to hear it too. This is not all encompassing and was inspired by Habakkuk 1 and Psalm 13:

How long, Lord, must I call for help but you do not listen?

Or cry out to you, Violence! But you do not save?

Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?

How long must we wait, Lord?
When will justice come?
Why should the nations say, “Where is their God?”

Destruction and violence are before me; Lord.
There is strife and conflict abounds.

Therefore the law is paralyzed and justice never prevails.

How long, Lord?

How long must we wait before the social and economic conditions that adhere to color in our country are no more?

How many more of our black and brown brothers and sisters need to be arrested, pulled over, incarcerated, killed with little to no explanation as to why.

Placated by nothing but “sir, mam, please calm down”

Lord, how long?

Lord how long must some live in fear and mistrust of the very individuals whose duty it was to protect.

Lord, how long?

Lord, how long before the church joins in saying, no more instead of aiming towards preserving its own right to life.

To say this American dream, this life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is not good enough for us if it does not include all who are made in your image.

Lord, how long?

How long?

Holy God, we come to you today pleading that you would give us a hunger for justice. God, you who know all and see all, help us to see the error of our ways and rescue us from the temptation to see one another as enemies. Lord, plant in us instead the ability to see one another as individuals made in your image and to hear one another’s stories for the real experiences that they are. Jesus, forgive us for the systems we have created that elevate some and lower others and give us courage to speak honestly about our own prejudice and the ways in which we have participated in perpetuating them. God comfort those of us who are frustrated, help us to avoid bitterness and indifference and give us a righteous anger that leads to action and reconciliation.

Lord, in your mercy, forgive us.